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sorry, but i'd like to give credit to jookboy's email spiral post for this self-diagnosis entry :)

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no doubt writing is an artform, but i think speaking eloquently and articulately is alot harder, unless you've prepared a 'speech' talking is spontaneous and impromptu , unlike writing you can't proof read and edit what you say and when you say things.

i guess what i've got to do is train myself to

think before i speak
edit what i'm going to say
then say it with poetic precision

i aim to complete this 3 step process in a split second so it looks like i'm doing it naturally.



but then again, who am i kidding..

~

empty glass bottles that roll around on the floor of train carraiges gives me the shits. the plastic variety are more bearable.

~

oh yeah, i got tickets to the shaolin monks wheel of time gig at the state theatre... soooo bring on the

Level 12 Buddha Palm Stance biatches!!

i have a friend, he writes, he writes about everything and anything that crosses his liberated mind, and so he should.
sometimes, very rarely though, he writes about his friends, stating his opinions on different matters and situations, empathising, sympathising and providing advice, which is good, so don't be alarmed if you think he writes about you, it only shows that he's concerned, and being friends we can let down our guard and forget our pride, at least for a few moments. alas, we can stop asking "where is the love?" cos this man's got ALL the love!

~

i have another friend who shall not be named, she went to a sex shop and found it hilarious, one of her remarks was "how do you insert that? it must be painful", or something to that effect.

that's goddamn hilarious...

her remark that is, not the giant dildo.

~

oh yeah, stuff i've gotten so far:

pirates of the caribbean dvd
bad boys 2 dvd
the hulk quilt cover set - and NO i'm not posting pictures of it here
a stein with 'dancing queen' engraved on it - charming
a marcs shirt - this one's fabulous
funky arse diary - uhhh funky
bottle of malibu - mmmm malibu
lonsdale jacket - aquary-bluey, it's not as faggy as it sounds
cufflinks - squarish
another pair of cufflinks - cylindrical
book: "you inc."
a chocolate mud cake
$2 scratchie - it had potential but it's now a small piece of cardboard
baboons t-shirt : it's very very exclusive!

last but not least, LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of drinks...


i'm indebted.

what the hell

if you read this, i'm sincerely sorry.

i hope the damage isn't permanent, it's been a roller coaster ride for the last few months in my world and i've been oblivious to things that were so clear and simple to me not so long ago.

i know you are happy, i can feel it, except on late monday afternoons on your way home from work. Don't let my insignificance get in your way - like i said in my email to you, i'm glad you told me what you did, i understand that because you tell me those things only shows that you really care.

dear friend, my mentality has changed, but know that i'm still the same person i've been all these years............. uhhh............... wait just a god damn second here... i just got your reply!... it's all good now!

we're friends again everyone!

some thoughts before i forget them..

i really hate people who eat salt and vinegar chips on a hot and crowded train.

if i was homeless and it was stinking hot, i'd jump on a tangara and stay there all day, they can't fine you cos you got no home and you got no ID.

carrying a backpack with my company name and logo makes me feel odd.

~

its presence is looming, its close and i'm acutely aware of it,
before it consumes me entirely, i'm already feeling its affect,
it's happening all too quickly..

what did you say!? you're turning 25 this year?
yeah, you too right?

HOLY.

FKN.

SHIT!

tomorrow's monday
it seems farther than it's ever been
eight minutes to go
again, seems farther than it's ever been

in other news...

schumacher ripped everyone a new one,

and samboy bbq chips are goddamn salty.

damn it, bloody goddamn it.
i'm not angry nor upset, i just felt like saying that, and i said that with a smile on my face.
it's occurred to me that sometimes people misread me, my current state of mind and my emotional situation.
further, even some of my close friends fail to see whether there's a dark cloud over me or otherwise.
do not be fooled, i write this entry with a clear and unaffected mind.
is this one of my shortcomings having unreconciled differences between my inner and outer self? OR do others just get it plain wrong when it comes to reading my actions and putting a finger on what it is that i'm feeling? over reading perhaps? don't get me wrong, it doesn't happen ALL the time, but lately i've noticed it popping up here and there.

I'm content with the way things are panning out in different facets of my life - i've developed a mindset to positively encourage myself on negative issues. it doesn't mean i'm lying to myself leading to some observers using the "ignorance is bliss" line on me.

this is not a "finding myself" entry - it's just another entry.

at work, everyone is really serious and i feel like i'm being molded into this serious business-only person and being the youngest and newest guy on the team it's easy for them to lead me down that path. i feel the need to maintain a high level of immaturity or else lunacy will get the better of me resulting in a new and progressive hatred for my job, let it be known that i write this with one hundred and ten percent seriousness.

action plan: crack a lame joke every hour and laugh at it hysterically for my own amusement and more importantly - sanity.

last thursday morning i woke up to a trail of scented smoke and the aroma of chinese mushrooms... it's chinese new year 2004.

as opposed to my friends, who have a relatively quiet time - my parents celebrate it traditionally with lots of food eaten amongst lots of people, there's one thing that i've given some thought to seeing as though this year marks my quarter century of existence, the red pockets.

it use to be all good, the red pockets kept rolling in, and when i was much younger this was my only source of disposable income for the next twelve months. but over the past few years and working full time, i've started to feel guilty, i even believe that some of these people are living off the pension. everytime i get one of them pockets, i use the same phrase: 'may you be blessed with good health' - kinda made me feel better.....

and..... at the end of the day it comes down to one word: "tradition".

'twas my first day in my new role today, and as much as i hate to say - being a new job and all, i was a little disappointed.

coming from an open planned office i was a little taken back when i was placed in a little cubicle with high partitions and little sunlight - the fluorescent tube did most of the work.

my pc? i was bitterly disappointed - it still had a "y2k compliant" sticker on it, the monitor? i'd say it was slightly bigger than a gameboy AND when you try run any programs you can hear it chugging away like a fatboy armed with a tub of extra creamy vanilla ice cream trudging up city-to-surf's heartbreak hill.

the work isn't too bad, a few new things to learn, consequently getting my brain into gear after a good month and a half of festive gatherings and forced inactivity. a breath of fresh air i'd say - the question is when will i need to surface? even though the system, the people and place are all new to me - this kind of work is all too familiar.

apparently, the existing office we're located at is getting too small for this division, hence we'll be moving over to a schmick new office in the chiefley, it'll be nice.

they've given me a 3 month probationary period before reviewing my performance, i too will give this role a 3 month trial before again reviewing my situation.

two thousand and four has started off pretty peachy for me, i've got nothing to complain about really. after our nye gathering at a friend's place i spent the next few days beaching, perusing different reading material and getting my arse handed back to me by this fella in topspin.

things have really fallen into place over the past few weeks, the job offer finally came through, festivities of any excuse ensured the drinks kept flowing in the tradition we've come to know and love.

now i'm back in the office serving the last few days of my sentence, it's hard not to think about the first day i waltzed through these doors, the people are great here and although our numbers have dwindled over the last 3 months it's still sad see what i'd call the end of an era.

two of my closer colleagues have bigger and bolder plans, they've recently got hold of working visas travelling to the cold and gloom that is london for two merry years of work and booze in a holidayesque kind of way. although i've secured a role here in sydney paving my career, i can't help but be jealous of their exciting paths they'll be embarking on in three weeks time.

london, i know you're cold, always overcast and you beat us in the rugby world cup final on home soil but you nonetheless appeal to me, sooo i hope to see you soon...

update update, from today i have exactly 23 days left at work and my career hangs in the balance as i await news from a prospective employer who i've seen for 3 interviews last week. It's now tuesday, i'm telling you, you just can't go wrong in offering me the job my friends, you just can't, so pick up the phone dial my number and tell me what i need to know and everyone will be happy. Well at least tell me before i go away next week!

my xbox got jiggied, now i can play lots of games, which is good and bad. Good because i can play lots of games whenever i want, bad because playing lots of games too much isn't really that good.

i'm still a bit under the weather. endless supply of mucus i tellsya.

tired and sleepy on this monday afternoon.

i'm dreaming of a... summer holiday.

1st december today it is. 1st day of summer today it is. there's nothing worth writing about, actually i could tell you about how i can hear my echo when i get into work every morning, but who'd want to read about that. boring. bored.

i got myself one of these and now it feels like i've got square eyes.

on a break from work this morning, i was sipping my red bull (cos everyone knows i have chronic fatigue syndrome every morning) with my back towards to sun, all of a sudden in my field of vision everything started to darken, argh, i thought i was going to black out until i realised the sun just crept behind a cloud. bitch arse!

infuse for 4 minutes for a stronger coffee.

this instant coffee bag thing is crap, maybe i've over-infused. infuse is just a funky way of saying "leave it in the hot water"

"dunk the coffee bag for a better result" - i always, ALWAYS dunk my bags, everyone does, i dunked it quite vigorously as well.

anyways, that was a major let down and it was a reknown coffee brand as well, only goes to show, never trust anything 'instant'.

i saw the coffee bag sample stuck on the front cover of this week's publication of the city weekly. now i can at least say i've tried instant coffee, i saw, dunked and infused it.

it's difficult for me attach a 'regret factor' to something so trivial such as instant coffee, but the lesson remains, give it a try or regret not trying, and remember tomorrow is a brand new day.

now i'm going to try thick slices of raw fish.

i'm by myself,

on the side of a bus i see an ad with four girls in bikinis

it goes

"why do one... dufour"

then i crack up like a spastic.

I've changed, a lot, i don't know if i'm an improved or worse version of myself.

I've lost something, i feel incomplete. definately.

Friends that i've known for awhile never told me about my bad traits probably afraid of tearing a whole in my esteem, perhaps. I see my own flaws, every level headed person should be able to see their own flaws, but what if there's a blind spot? Things you don't see about yourself that isn't all that pleasant. Do people have to make it painfully clear to you before you decide to take a step back and give yourself some constructive criticism?

"accepting yourself is the first step to happiness" - that's hunky dory if you know what your good and bad traits are, cos you can work with what you know - keep the good and throw away the bad, but then we have those blind spots you know nothing about.

don't say ignorance is bliss, cos then you'll drive all your friends away and cease to make any new friends.

i hate being ignorant, it's just perceived as being inconsiderate, and at the end of the day your intentions don't count if it's not perceived properly.

i'm quite a nice person, really i am.

something i wrote on the train awhile back, i found it in the depths of my backpack.

~

it was ryan's last day today, he's leaving us for a spiffy new job with nicer tables, better computers and comfier chairs. I had my second interview with a spiffy new company as well, getting the job would be nice, but i'm not too worried if i don't, not right now anyways.
ryan held his farewell drinks at the dendy bar. now there's only 3 people left from the nine i started working with two and a half years ago. i guess they're waiting for their fat redundancy cheque, yeah, the cheque would be nice.
the girl who sits next to me at work says that my tie made me look like a highschooler, i laughed in her face condescendingly, she picks on me at work, so i don't like her very much.
i had a 'kransky' whilst waiting for the train, it's a red vulgar looking sausage. i kept it in the paper bag hiding it from view. though it's vulgar looking, it tastes pretty good...
erghh, now i'm starting to feel it, the sausage is causing a ripple effect in the sea of beer that's housed in my stomach.
i'm going to sleep now, i should feel better when i wake up.

~

since that entry, there's only one person left from my original team, and i didn't get that spiffy job i was interviewed for.

we sunk the unsinkable.

the steam-titanic had become just another regular steam-boat.